Letter to My Illness

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ax1h5dLast night of I wrote a letter to my illness.  It was full of expletives.

Among my sentiments were the words: “You are not here to teach me a lesson or humility.  You are not my friend.  You are a ridiculous ragbag of pathetic symptoms.  Go **** yourself, you miserable, mitochondria-disrupting loser.  You think you have won.  But the person I was before you stuck your poxy neb [nose] in is still within me.”

I continued: “Yes, that child who could run like the wind, the one who could dance all night, the girl who could run from the nightclub in the dark to her home in minutes, the one who called walk miles and miles, up mountains, across moors, around London.  How dare you disrupt all of that!  You robbed me of my life with of my husband, of children, of experiences, of opportunity, of peace.”

Sometimes I just don’t know what God is playing at!

(There was more but this gives you a flavour. I found the writing therapeutic.)

I then listened to the hate-filled but cathartic ‘Sorry’ by nu-Guns n Roses on my headphones and scribbled down some pertinent lyrics. The whole song suited my mood and situation but here are the first lines:

“You like to hurt me
You know that you do
You like to think
In some way
That it’s me
And not you”

 

 

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Not Celebrating Recovery

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DSCF2594As the relapse in my health – long-term condition –  from hell continues I have dropped all regular commitments, including Celebrate Recovery at church in nearby city.

Not even sure I am going to go back to it. Not making any plans at all like that. Researching how to recover from this relapse a lot and thinking I may just stick to following my church’s sermons online while I recover.

CR is great but there are a lot of platitudes uttered from the manual. It is also a very tiring evening, especially if there are only two of you in the small sharing group. I will carry on doing my moral and spiritual inventory though. That’s useful.

Feeling Stuck – Advice from Tiny Buddha

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Why We Feel Stuck in Life and the Secret to Dealing with It

My Diaries Spanning 40 Years Don’t Lie

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dear-diary.jpg

40 years a slave to journaling! 

I’ve kept a diary since I was 12 years old – that’s nearly 40 years!

I’ve been re-reading them over the last few weeks.

Man, talk about a shock! Many of the events are clear in my head but some of my attitudes and behaviour were awful. What a cow I could be! And how much I took for granted.

I’m learning a lot. Maybe I’ll share some of my revelations here.

I see the diary reading as part of my spiritual journey and attempts at growth.

Peter Andre and My BFF

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English: Peter Andre on 5 February 2010.

English: Peter Andre on 5 February 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Antipodean crooner and reality star Peter Andre, currently wowing viewers of Strictly Come Dancing, is a deadringer for my male BFF. They even share accents.

BFF leads a dangerous life in many ways – through his work and hobbies. All legal and above board, of course, but they are activities that most other men and women would never contemplate doing. Needless to say, he is often in my prayers.

What a contrast to my MPF (male platonic friend) who won’t go anywhere without a companion. Not even to a concert. And he’s in his 50s too. What a waste. He should be in my prayers too because not to have the confidence to do such simple everyday things is an affliction, isn’t it?

When There’s No Chemistry

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Marlon Brando and Eva Marie Saint in a screens...

Marlon Brando and Eva Marie Saint. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, all prepared to make a go of it with W… but I can’t do it.

We had a lovely time out, as many of our times together are – lovely – but I just can’t fancy him. It’s not about looks, it’s about chemistry and how you ‘fit’ together. That’s no good for a LTR. I don’t expect miracles, and I’m not saying I’m all that myself, but I do want and need to feel physically attracted to any man I have a relationship with. Otherwise there’s not enough glue to hold you together in a LTR or marriage. I’ve been going out with W for over a year now, as friends, and still I don’t fancy him. I’ve tried and tried but it’s just not going to happen. I could ‘settle’ – we are suited in many ways, it is true – but I don’t think I’m cut out for that either, despite my own negative aspects.

I kept telling myself that it was just my own hang-ups getting in the way and that our mental connection would lead to me being able to get closer to him physically if and when the time came. It won’t. There’s still emotional stuff about him that’s unsettling too.
Drat. Really don’t want to lose him as a friend but don’t want to lead him on either. I DO really, really enjoy his company and we do help each other a lot. I need to talk to him. Incidentally, W is not a Christian. That’s not a major problem for me (it would be for some of my church friends) but it would be easier if the right person for me was, or at least was someone who has a spiritual life.
Funnily enough, we saw my old male friend, S and I immediately felt more thrilled. Not saying S (who is a Christian) the one for me either but I don’t think I would have thought ‘Woo hoo!’ on seeing S if W was where my heart was at.

Once I Had a Secret Love

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I don’t get crushes any more. This is a good thing – though a little boring.

Crushes are like drugs. They give you a warm, fuzzy glow and get the endorphins  flowing. But they are false.

I have had four big crushes in my life. Some of these lasted years! I had one crush when I was married. When my ex was leaving me he said he wanted a “new life”. Honey, we ALL want a new life. I mentioned that I’d had a crush while we were together. He was deeply shocked as I never let on at all.

My crushes were a co-dependency thing. I see that now. One of the churches I know does a Celebrate Recovery course. I’ve thought about going, once I’ve moved house. For co-dependency issues. Don’t know if I really need it but it’s a thought.

Crushes got me through difficult times and were a way of filling the void in myself. The only crushes I have now are dreaming of faraway places or fulfilling a great dream. I think that’s okay, though I think a lot of my life is spent in yearning. I’d love to learn to be content with the here and now.

There Was a Time for Emotional Release

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I am a big fan of rock music and throughout my separation and divorce I have been deeply affected by various songs.

One such is ‘Frail’ by Jars of Clay, a Christian band known to many. The song reminds me of Richard Hawley’s ‘The Ocean’. It is extremely haunting.

But the song that truly gets to me is called ‘There Was a Time’ by the ‘new’ Guns and Roses (2008). It’s from Chinese Democracy, a hugely underrated albumand is considered a masterpiece in all its angst-ridden, full-blown glory. The music is incredible. Would love to send this song to my ex but he’d scoff or it wouldn’t register with him that this is how I feel. It wouldn’t be a wise thing to do anyway as one should work on detachment. But… it’s the best song about hurt, betrayal, sadness and regret.

However, here are the lyrics, though you need to match them with the music for the cathartic effect. And tell me of your ’emotional’ songs.

“There Was A Time”
Broken glass and cigarettes
Writin’ on the wall
It was a bargain for the summer
And I thought I had it all
I was the one who gave you everything
The one who took the fall
You were the one who would do anything
The one who can’t recall
Where she was while she was sleepin’
In another women’s bed
Or the doctor’s or the lawyer’s
Or the stranger that she met
If there’s nothin’ that I can gain from this
Or anything at all
It’d be the knowledge that you gave me
When I thought I’d heard it all

It was a long time for you
(It was a long time)
It was a long time for me
(It was a long time)
It’d be a long time for anyone but
(It was a long time)
Looks like it’s meant to be

Social class and registers
Cocaine in the hall
All the way from California
On the way to your next call
To those non-negotiations
To stimulate a cause
For the betterment of evils
And your ways around the laws
That keep you up and sitting pretty
On a pedestal or bed
And now you’re sleeping like an angel
Never mind who gave you head
If there’s somethin’ I can make of this
Or anything at all
It’d be the devil hates a loser
And you thought you had it all

It was the wrong time for you
(It was a long time)
It was the wrong time for me
(It was a long time)
It was the wrong time for anyone but
(It was a long time)
Looks like I’m ’bout to see for myself

If I could go back in time
To the place in my soul
There all alone
Lonely teardrops ooh
Are callin’ you
But I don’t want to know it now
Cause knowin’ you
It won’t change a damn thing
But there was a time
Yeah there was a time
Didn’t want ta know it all…
Didn’t wanna know it all…
N’ I don’t wanna know it now
Yeah there was a time
Didn’t want ta know it all…
Didn’t wanna know it all…
N’ I don’t wanna know it now
Oh

Oh I would do anything for you
There was a time
I would do anything for you
I would do anything for you
There was a time

There was a time
I would do anything for you
Ooh…
Yeah, there was a time
Didn’t want ta know it all…
Didn’t wanna know it all…
Ooh…
N’ I don’t wanna know it now
I would do…
Didn’t want to know at all…
Anything for you
Didn’t wanna know at all…
N’ I don’t wanna know it now

There was a time…
There was a time

Rose, Huge, Stinson

A Gal With a Plan

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Plan A

Plan A (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Despite the fact that this has been a humungously rubbish day health-wise I am beginning to formulate a plan for moving forward. Some of it won’t please my church-going chums but I’ll keep my own counsel and do it anyway.

Here’s a brief gist:

  1. Have more or less decided where I want to live. And it’s not in this town.
  2. Get house in tip-top shape for potential sale down the line. How I am going to do this with little money and poor health I don’t know but I shall find a way.
  3. Get back on antidepressants if doctor agrees. Would prefer ones that don’t make me gain weight ‘cos since my op I have lost lots of weight. One of the keys has been being AD-free. It’s a tough choice. Thin  and miserable or fat and happy. Great!
  4. Get some good photos done of myself. Might ask a semi-professional I know. Failing that a camera-happy friend. This would boost my self-esteem.
  5. Keeping working on myself in all ways.
  6. Keep redefining what I want in my life.
  7. Maintain my own path – don’t be swayed by what others think or detractors if I know that it is not truly ‘me’. However, seek advice when it is called for.

 

 

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Red Flags Busted

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English: High Speed - Lights

English: High Speed – Lights (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a potential man problem recently. The amazing thing is, though, that I managed to work through it super-fast through having done various courses at church and from doing all the reading and self-help. A Christian counsellor, someone I totally respect, also helped me via email.

I thought back over the three years I have known my male friend Red. I noted down all the red flags I’ve sensed over that time which have somehow stopped me falling for him full pelt. I came up with more than ten! These are genuine red flags not excuses.
My discernment must be better than it used to be. I was pleased that I was able to do this and not be that woman who pines after an Emotionally Unavailable Man for years on end. Many do.
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Meet Five a Week

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stitching a date with destiny

stitching a date with destiny (Photo credit: jude hill)

I have decided to do something about men after Easter. With all the extra work I am doing (good but tiring) plus the house and my continuing health probs it won’t be a massive onslaught on the male population but I shall do what I can. I am going to very slowly follow a programme set out in the book: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. It is by far the best dating book I have read. I really like Dr Henry Cloud‘s realistic, unrigid approach to dating as a Christian. I think every Christian womanor man who is not engaging with the opposite sex but wants to should read this.

The main two initial steps to take are:
Meet Five a Week and Change Your Traffic Pattern.
Meeting five a week does not mean having five dates a week. It just means talking to five men a week, even if it is just in the supermarket. They have to be:
1. New to you
2. Have enough of an interaction with you to want to go out with you
3. Have some info about you to get in touch with you if they desire.
The idea is not to get dates but to open yourself up to men and change your energy. As I can’t get out for many hours a day I might have to modify this to Meet Two or Three a Week but it is at least a start.
Change Your Traffic Pattern is self-explanatory. It just means trying a few new routes/activities etc.
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Quit With the Promises, Dude!

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Red flags

Red flags (Photo credit: rvw)

I have had a Disappointment in Love but now I am just angry! I have thought back over the 2 – 3  years I have known This Church Guy and written down all the red flags I’ve sensed which have stopped me properly falling for him. I’ve come up with more than ten!! And they are big red flags too!

My discernment is back in tact. Whether friend or potential love interest this dude needs to earn my long-term respect, quit with the promises and follow through with action.
The b**ch is back! (Sorry, non-swearing readers.)
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They’re Singing Songs of Love

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But Not for Me…
I feel sad about how the church divorce group is going. People are pairing up. H has his jeune fille, NL has paired up with one of the guys there, JD has honed in on one of the women and I’ve seen someone flirting with SB. It’s like at school when everyone is pairing up – except you! 
The group is supposed to be one of recovery rather than one of ‘copping off’ together! 

 

Forgiveness Sure ‘Ain’t Easy

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Forgive

Forgive (Photo credit: Celestine Chua)

Coming to the end of the 13 week Chained No More course. It’s been great. But tough at times. The day after each session I am totally whacked. Even though there are no tears shed in the group the sessions use a lot of emotional and mental energy.

I know I need to forgive my former caretakers. One in particular. But I am finding it hard and almost impossible. I don’t know what’s wrong with this person. Maybe I am diagnosing their crap behaviour into some sort of pathology. Maybe they were just a bit rubbish at caretaking. I suspect narcissism. Possibly lacking in the empathy chip. I remember when my STBX was going through a terrible ordeal this caretaker astounded him, his mum and me with the way they turned the situation into being all about them. I’ve been guilty of this myself in the past. My excuse is that I did not have the best examples when I was growing up.

Don’t know how I am going to forgive because I do attribute at least some of the development of my health problems to the caretakers’ neglect when I was a small child. I’ve no proof, but it seems likely.

 

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I Am the Walrus, I am the Blunderbuss

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Blunderbuss

Blunderbuss (Photo credit: Mike Miley)

 

“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” James 1:19

 

I have many faults. Two of my main faults are tactlessness and an impetuous nature. My enthusiasm and openness can lead me away from my true goal of being “slow to speak”. Of course, when I realise (usually quite quickly, on account of the deafening silence that greets my blunder) that I have inadvertently caused hurt I am mortified. ‘What a jerk!’ I think. ‘Oops, I did it again…’ ‘Why, oh why, did I not think?’ I’m always quick to apologise but still…

I don’t know where this blunderbuss behaviour comes from. Is it nature or nurture? Maybe it’s because I grew up in a home where the boundaries were extremely blurred. Maybe it is written in the stars! Sagittarians are known for their tactlessness. I remember my step-dad saying that sometimes he could be walking down the street and suddenly recall some tactless or wrongheaded behaviour/action he’d executed and he would just feel hideously embarrassed. I know what he meant.

 

A few people at church – especially in Life Group – have said they admire my openness and honesty. But being too open can be a double-edged sword. At least the tactless numpte is not Machiavellian. I’m not a schemer, a plotter, a sociopath or a game player. But the plotters do better in life – or rather they attain positions that are viewed by society as desirable. The schemers are the lawyers, politicians, business giants. Maybe if I had treated life like a game of chess I wouldn’t be in the, well, disadvantaged position I am in.

 

 

 

 

 

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Getting Chained No More

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English: The lions were chained, but he saw no...

English: The lions were chained, but he saw not the chains (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

We have had two sessions of this  Chained No More course at my church. It’s going well. I have not told my story in full – well, no-one has; that would be too much for anyone to take and we have a limited amount of time.

 

 

 

Speaking of which, I am at my mother’s house at the moment. I’m not sure why parents faff (fuss) over you to what seems like an infinitesimal degree when you are middle-aged yet seem oblivious when you are a child.  Maybe it’s because as they near death they worry how you will manage when they are gone. Or maybe they just read the Daily Express* newspaper too much!Maybe when you are a child and they are younger, in their prime, they feel invincible themselves, thus don’t feel the need to worry about you, the child. Or maybe they are like children themselves. Bafffled.

 

 

 

*The Daily Express is a highly right-wing newspaper, sort of between a tabloid and a broadsheet, read mostly by the elderly, and which favours doom-and-gloom headlines about killer rain/hail/snow/sun and reports on dementia. I am not a fan.

 

 

 

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Not Going Out (to Church, for once.)

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A cat pacing in the darkened hallway. Always l...

A cat pacing in the darkened hallway. Always looking forward to comments about improvements or just what you think! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Great shock – I am not going to church this evening! I feel massively guilty! And sad to miss Pastor 3’s words. However, my weeks are becoming very full and I decided to try and rotate my activities somewhat in the interests of pacing for my health. I am putting pacing and improving my health first for six months (1 month down, 5 to go.)

 

I do feel sad to miss the service though but I was getting almost rigid in my adherence to activities or doing stuff to escape emptiness and that’s one of the things that made me ill in the first place.

 

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