The Passive Mother and My Prayers for Patience

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Portrait of Miss Georgina Pope, head nurse of ...

Portrait of Miss Georgina Pope, head nurse of First Canadian Contingent during the Boer war. Possibly in her nurse’s uniform from Bellevue Hospital, New York (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why does my mother not ask people questions or ask how they are? Is it selfishness or a lack of confidence? I think it is the latter. I hope it’s that!

I think it infantilises me because its left up to me to do the ‘filling in’, all the communication work – like the child I was returning home from school and babbling on about my day. I still have to do that. I also feel that i have to persuade her on the worth of my words. Weird.

When she came to stay here for 4 weeks she didn’t ask my (many!) friends one question. Not one question. She did ask my ex-husband a question but only after I prompted her.
When my platonic male friend (PMF) came to stay with us overnight she didn’t ask him anything. She talked to him at length but about herself. She has always been like this, it’s not just because she’s elderly, although it becomes more apparent when someone is elderly.

Maybe it is something to do with the job she had. She was a nurse, beginning in the 1950s. I think it might be something to do with working with consultants. I think these men made women, i.e., the nurses, feel stupid if they asked anything. They were like gods. Consultants spoke and nurses listened and carried out tasks.

My whole life I have never known her to ask a shop assistant for help. Rather than do that she will just walk out of the place without buying the thing that she needs.

I am praying for more patience and understanding!

The Ex Files and Going it Alone

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Man portrait

Man portrait (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I don’t see Ex as much now and it is helping me. I do miss his company but one needs to detach and, anyway, why would you want to spend a lot of time with someone who has not only rejected you but chosen to be with someone else, albeit after he ended the marriage?

But I did talk to him about how we singles can get so tired of having to cope with everything on our own. I wasn’t accusing and he was very sympathetic and did not try to fix my problems, which is good (boundaries).  I used to be the sorter out anyway but at least in the marriage you felt you were a team – of two. (Though this can be an illusion, as often married people are not in the SAME marriage.)

Ex asked me if I was doing anything about my single state. That misses the point. I wasn’t  saying that it was a problem that needs to be solved sharpish but that the reality of going it alone can be hard. All my single church friends feel this way at times.

I text him the next day:

“I am doing something about my single state. Finding out who I am, what I believe, and what I will or will not accept in a man and so on. I am the most important person in my life right now! I do know some great single men but just as friends. x x”

He said that sounded like a sensible approach. Pity we could not talk as calmly when we were together as we do now. But they say that relationships fuel the fire of intimacy – hence, all our issues rise to the surface, to be worked out in the relationship. Sometimes this working out is brilliant and supportive and sometimes it turns destructive and unhelpful.

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