Letter to My Illness

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ax1h5dLast night of I wrote a letter to my illness.  It was full of expletives.

Among my sentiments were the words: “You are not here to teach me a lesson or humility.  You are not my friend.  You are a ridiculous ragbag of pathetic symptoms.  Go **** yourself, you miserable, mitochondria-disrupting loser.  You think you have won.  But the person I was before you stuck your poxy neb [nose] in is still within me.”

I continued: “Yes, that child who could run like the wind, the one who could dance all night, the girl who could run from the nightclub in the dark to her home in minutes, the one who called walk miles and miles, up mountains, across moors, around London.  How dare you disrupt all of that!  You robbed me of my life with of my husband, of children, of experiences, of opportunity, of peace.”

Sometimes I just don’t know what God is playing at!

(There was more but this gives you a flavour. I found the writing therapeutic.)

I then listened to the hate-filled but cathartic ‘Sorry’ by nu-Guns n Roses on my headphones and scribbled down some pertinent lyrics. The whole song suited my mood and situation but here are the first lines:

“You like to hurt me
You know that you do
You like to think
In some way
That it’s me
And not you”

 

 

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Happy Divorce Day!

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One of my church friends is celebrating his first anniversary of remarriage today. This couple seem to live the perfect life!

I am happy for him but his announcement on Facebook and loving words to his wife reminded me that today is the second anniversary of my divorce! Cruel irony.

Yesterday, though, ex and I went to the beach. He had come from neighbouring country for work and our shared care duties. It was lovely. We got on well and it harked back to other times. I was sad that I can’t walk much (still undergoing the muscle relapse from hell) and sad that his new wife is very sporty and active.

I say to God, “Why have you abandoned me?” It’s just not fair!

Ex has changed a lot. I am sure he smiles and laughs sometimes but I never see that abundant laughter and joy on his face now. Maybe he saves it for others or other times. I don’t know. Maybe too much has happened to him for that.

 

Sweet Memories of My Friend Who Died Saturday

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My friend PJ died on Saturday. She was friend, neighbour and some time client – and I was her client too. She was a nurse, a high flying one, and a holistic therapist. Hugely talented.

I thought a lot of her. Admired her. Envied her. She had the family I would have longed to be part of, a great job, great friends, smashing kids and a brilliant husband.

I’d listen open-mouthed as I heard about all the energy she’d expended – over the weekend, say. I could only dream of being that well. I don’t mean she was flighty or an adrenaline addict, no! She just had a zest for life and a lot of stamina.

Her youngest daughter was the very first person who spoke to me when I moved into that leafy, middle-class street 16+years ago with my now erstwhile husband. The daughter invited me into her house to a benefit for the Tanzanian tiger! I bought a fairy cake. I recall that, PJ, the woman who later became my friend, was sitting at the dining room table chatting while lots of well turned-out children did their best for our big cat friends. It’s a nice memory.

Although I knew her for 16 years she knew me better than I knew her. Most times it was me seeing her for treatment and there was a good measure of counselling/listening involved on her part. She understood about boundaries and professionalism.

I was also lucky enough to be a guinea pig when she was studying aromatherapy. Her massages, in her fantastic, elevated summer house, were awesome. When I had to go into hospital for surgery in 2013 PJ made up an aromatherapy stick for me to calm my nerves. It comprised rose oil and frankincense. Still got it and it still smells divine!

She helped me no end: when I was undergoing some awful stress related to my ex’s family, (2009) and during our break-up, (2011) and after that too. Her generosity was much appreciated. Incidentally, her acupuncture treatments were one of the few things that truly helped me out of all those I’ve tried.

The last time I saw her was Autumn 2015. She had moved away by this time to the North but she was back in the city to meet friends for lunch. I kept bumping into them and she was really giggly from lunchtime wine and lively chatter. She looked as glowing as ever and very happy.

Just weeks later she was diagnosed with cancer. It was aggressive and unrelenting. She died around 7 months after diagnosis.Within the last two days her eldest daughter has raised over £1,310 via http://www.justgiving.com for Hospice at Home.

I’m heartbroken for PJ, her family and close friends. As a Christian I don’t know what to make of it. I can pray for them.

I’ll always remember PJ. At 52 she really is gone too soon.

 

How Hearing of A Friend’s Shortened Life Expectancy Can Galvanise Us

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Hearing yesterday about a beloved friend’s terminal cancer (could be weeks, months or years – not sure yet) has made me aware that I’m spending too much time living in the past and the future and not concentrating on the now.

I’m determined to make some changes in my life, even just little ones, like not being involved with too many things on Facebook! I do the Christian business club page, update my church’s public page, then there is our prayer group, where I am the admin, and I also am admin on a client page plus have my own business page. Time to do something else I think.

There are some bigger changes I want to make too but I’m working my way through those and how I might proceed.

 

Feeling Stuck – Advice from Tiny Buddha

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Why We Feel Stuck in Life and the Secret to Dealing with It

My Diaries Spanning 40 Years Don’t Lie

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40 years a slave to journaling! 

I’ve kept a diary since I was 12 years old – that’s nearly 40 years!

I’ve been re-reading them over the last few weeks.

Man, talk about a shock! Many of the events are clear in my head but some of my attitudes and behaviour were awful. What a cow I could be! And how much I took for granted.

I’m learning a lot. Maybe I’ll share some of my revelations here.

I see the diary reading as part of my spiritual journey and attempts at growth.

The Ease of Old Friends at Easter

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Back in my home town yet again for Easter and went to meet two of my oldest friends, both men, P and G. I’ve known them 31 years – since 1985 or thereabouts. P now lives in the South West, and reads this blog, and G lives in London. I hadn’t seen G for nearly five years.

But it was as if I’d just met them yesterday!

That’s the solace that old friends bring. You all have your foibles and ‘broken’ parts but you accept each other. With your newer friends you always have to be on your best behaviour to an extent, I think, ‘cos they are more ready to drop you for any infringement, real or imagined.

This I have learned vis a vis my neighbour who has turned out to be a nightmare. I made the mistake I always make: thinking that someone is going to be ‘there’ for a good few years. It’s a shock when you realise that people aren’t who you thought they were, even though, when you look back it is clear that all along they were telling you, showing you, who they really are! But we choose to ignore red flags and plough on.

I’m pretty naive sometimes when it comes to friendships. I expect too much. I read that that is a common thing among only children (I am an Only) – to invest a lot of time and emotion in friends who we often view as substitute siblings.

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Mothers Against Loneliness

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Mum’s been with me for a few days here in my adopted town. I like it on the whole, apart from her right-wing views. This appall me as she used to be a Guardian-reading liberal!

I definitely don’t feel as lonely and low. It shows that I need to be living in some sort of situation where I have people around me for some of the time.

I used to have lodgers but had to end that partly through selling the house. Also, lodgers move on quite quickly.

I guess most people get into relationships and get married to create that ‘family’ feel. I’m not sure if that’s the answer for me but we shall wait and see.

Hot in the City, Lent, Day 14

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Was very stressed today and thus sought solace (in the cleanest possible way) in the sauna and steam facilities on our city’s university campus. This is  not a new activity exactly, though it is a while since I’ve been there. However, I did talk to a man there, briefly. He wasn’t scintillating but it counts as a NEW person and fulfills my ‘try a new thing each day’ challenge for Lent.

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No Pills and Thrills for Me, Lent, Day 13

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After the Celebrate Recovery  session tonight I went to one of our fast food outlets and instead of scurrying back to the car I sat and ate at a table indoors and watched people passing through the town. It was around 10pm.

A lot of them looked like they were heavy drinkers and I did think that some of them might benefit from Celebrate Recovery! Mind you, you have to be willing to encounter Step One – Denial – to  begin CR.

Town at night is not a pretty place and I thank God that despite my own sometimes torturous issues I don’t have  addictions to alcohol, drugs or similar.

 

 

Day 8, Lent Art

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Today’s NEW thing in my Lent Challenge: I went to an art gallery in a small town near to my birthplace. This is somewhere I’ve been meaning to visit for a while. Had a good chat with the proprietor, a NEW person. Bought an art card by an artist that was NEW to me.

I also went to another art gallery across the road which was also NEW to me.

Liars, Beggars and Hangers On

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One bonus of having an anonymous blog is that I have a little rant:
While I can’t really fault mine and ex’s estate agent for their sales talent and verve their ‘sales progression team’, is, in my view a heap of rubbish
It seems clear to me now that they use some sort of centralised sales progression agency. I don’t think the woman who is our ‘contact’ even knows where my town is!
She’s rude, rushed, offhand, keeps asking the same questions over and over (Who’s your solicitor? Who’s your contact at wesellyoursoulformoney.com?).
Estate agents – many – lie through their teeth; solicitors are just weird – a law unto themselves, forgive the pun, and, while I liked my surveyor a lot, it seems that as a whole surveyors are just afeared of getting their butts sued and they state the blatantly obvious… (“there is a bay window to the front of the house”).
Just had to get that off my chest.

The Reason for Routine

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Doing new things every day for Lent has made me realise why we do tend to do the same things over and over. It’s because on the whole the things we choose to do tend to be the ones we prefer. For example we may get coffee from a particular cafe because that’s ur favourite coffee or the staff members are especially pleasant there.

Some of the things I’ve done up to present have not been as good as my regular choices BUT I shall persist as they say a change is as good as a rest.

PIC: http://www.chrisbalbi.com/blog/2014/8/12/dont-fall-into-routine

Day 6, Lent Continues

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As I am away from home I had to go to a new pet shop as opposed to the little, independent shop I usually go to. Encountered some ghastly people outside the shop who were rude and quite scary to me. Reminded me why my friends and I chose to get out of this place as soon as we could – to universities and different lives. Mmm. Was a reality check.

Mum and I had a different type of curry this evening. A mild, creamy affair instead of our usual Rogan Josh-type curry.  Hold the front page: we decided we preferred the latter. I know, the excitement continues!

As I have not been very well today my experimentation with new things has been modest. Let’s hope and pray for better things to come!

Day 3, Lent for Love

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Life-enhancing activities for today (have to be new things):

  1. Listened to my hero David Bowie singing title track from Buddha of Suburbia. Not on of his best but okay.
  2. Listened to Pearl Jam singing ‘Jeremy’. Never heard it before!
  3. Listened to Pitbull. Switched it off halfway through!
  4. Planted new primula plant in large planter outside.