Marriage support – Care for the Family

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“Every marriage is different, but all marriages experience ups and downs – there’s the romantic times when the sun seems to be always shining, and the tough times when winter seems to have set in for good. We want to support you in your relationship whether you are preparing to get married or have been …”

Source: Marriage support – Care for the Family

Platonic ‘Relationships’ as a Substitute for a ‘Full’ Relationship?

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Holding Hands shadow on sand

Holding Hands shadow on sand (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was quite interested in the concept of having a platonic relationship with some man or other a while back – in lieu of a full-on relationship. In these relationships the couple IS a couple but they don’t have sex. There are various levels of intimacy to choose from. The reasons people go for this can be varied: physical illness or disability; emotional issues; spiritual issues; a belief that sex should be reserved for marriage. There are dating websites for platonics.

I had thought this would be a good way to get to know someone without being blinded by lust. I reckon it takes about two years to truly get to know someone – I mean to really get beyond the surface. Sex can stop you from truly seeing who a person is because it can distract you from their true character.

My platonic male friend seemed to be hinting that we could have that – a relationship without sex. I thought about it for a couple of days and realised that I don’t want that, at least not with him. I’d have to be somewhat attracted to someone to contemplate a relationship. After all, I’d have to WANT to hold their hand or snuggle up with them even if we had chosen not to have a sexual relationship for either physical or spiritual reasons. Otherwise it really is ‘just friends’ – which is okay by me too. After all, my strong friendships have lasted longer than my marriage!

One of my favourite writers, Barbara De Angelis, writes well about sexual chemistry in Are You the One for Me?

When There’s No Chemistry

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Marlon Brando and Eva Marie Saint in a screens...

Marlon Brando and Eva Marie Saint. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, all prepared to make a go of it with W… but I can’t do it.

We had a lovely time out, as many of our times together are – lovely – but I just can’t fancy him. It’s not about looks, it’s about chemistry and how you ‘fit’ together. That’s no good for a LTR. I don’t expect miracles, and I’m not saying I’m all that myself, but I do want and need to feel physically attracted to any man I have a relationship with. Otherwise there’s not enough glue to hold you together in a LTR or marriage. I’ve been going out with W for over a year now, as friends, and still I don’t fancy him. I’ve tried and tried but it’s just not going to happen. I could ‘settle’ – we are suited in many ways, it is true – but I don’t think I’m cut out for that either, despite my own negative aspects.

I kept telling myself that it was just my own hang-ups getting in the way and that our mental connection would lead to me being able to get closer to him physically if and when the time came. It won’t. There’s still emotional stuff about him that’s unsettling too.
Drat. Really don’t want to lose him as a friend but don’t want to lead him on either. I DO really, really enjoy his company and we do help each other a lot. I need to talk to him. Incidentally, W is not a Christian. That’s not a major problem for me (it would be for some of my church friends) but it would be easier if the right person for me was, or at least was someone who has a spiritual life.
Funnily enough, we saw my old male friend, S and I immediately felt more thrilled. Not saying S (who is a Christian) the one for me either but I don’t think I would have thought ‘Woo hoo!’ on seeing S if W was where my heart was at.

Are You Too Cautious?

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Are you too cautious in relationships?

The One Whom My Soul Loves – In Pursuit of Woman

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Pursuit of Equality

Pursuit of Equality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Despite the fact I believe I am unmarriageable I have not been without male interest, even in my ‘celibate by choice’ life. Most of these men are not Christians but they are good men.

There’s SAL, who lives far away and is not safe emotionally but who seems to be fond of me. MAGS, who is the nearest I have to a soulmate, but who is not emotionally available and who does not want a relationship with me – and I probably don’t want one with him. WM seems to adore me but I am unsure about him for various reasons. Even SRP has been attracted to me at points, I believe, but he is unsafe. And TCG seems to like me too. Only WM has actively pursued me over many months.

Despite all this I feel I have not yet met “the one whom my soul loves.” Do you think I will know it when I do meet him or are we blinded by our own hang-ups, fears and prejudices?

The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

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I’ve spent the last few months with a new male friend. It’s platonic. And he’s not a Christian. I’m really glad that I’ve stuck to my guns, and my increasingly-honed Christian principles, and not got involved on a physical basis whatsoever. Nada.
I truly see that choosing to be celibate in a great way to bolster your self-esteem and it protects you from people who are potentially harmful.
I did try and envisage myself with this guy in a ‘more than friends’ scenario and I was aware of my own defences and barriers. I decided to give it some time – but it is not going to happen.
From the beginning I have had alarm bells but we have such a nice time when we go out that it’s been hard to refuse his company. However, I’ve realised that while we connect brilliantly mentally, emotionally he is just not ‘there’. It is like the lights are on but no-one’s home.
On the surface he is charming, cultured and very nice. But I can’t talk about anything negative/admit real vulnerability about my feelings or life. It is a false intimacy we have. When I do he ignores it or says something platitudinous. I don’t think he is truly interested in me – more in what I could do for him in ending his loneliness and single state.
There is just this strong feeling in me that all is not right. The question is what to do about it?

Five A Week Challenge is HARD!

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Boris Kustodiev's Pascha Greetings (1912) show...

Boris Kustodiev’s Pascha Greetings (1912) shows traditional Russian khristosovanie (exchanging a triple kiss), with such foods as red eggs, kulich and paskha in the background (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This Meet Five a Week Challenge as recommended by Dr Henry Cloud is ridiculously hard! I have done a lot of smiling and saying hello at men – old, young, but not got into any conversations with any apart from museum cool younger dude who was probably gay anyway.

Easter was filled with men in couples. No joy there then! The only men who ever talk to me are either much older, granddad types who are just nice and chatty or much younger men who appear to find me vaguely intriguing but who ultimately will be looking for same-age partners.

 

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