Marlon Brando and Eva Marie Saint. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There I was, all prepared to make a go of it with W… but I can’t do it.
We had a lovely time out, as many of our times together are – lovely – but I just can’t fancy him. It’s not about looks, it’s about chemistry and how you ‘fit’ together. That’s no good for a LTR. I don’t expect miracles, and I’m not saying I’m all that myself, but I do want and need to feel physically attracted to any man I have a relationship with. Otherwise there’s not enough glue to hold you together in a LTR or marriage. I’ve been going out with W for over a year now, as friends, and still I don’t fancy him. I’ve tried and tried but it’s just not going to happen. I could ‘settle’ – we are suited in many ways, it is true – but I don’t think I’m cut out for that either, despite my own negative aspects.
I kept telling myself that it was just my own hang-ups getting in the way and that our mental connection would lead to me being able to get closer to him physically if and when the time came. It won’t. There’s still emotional stuff about him that’s unsettling too.
Drat. Really don’t want to lose him as a friend but don’t want to lead him on either. I DO really, really enjoy his company and we do help each other a lot. I need to talk to him. Incidentally, W is not a Christian. That’s not a major problem for me (it would be for some of my church friends) but it would be easier if the right person for me was, or at least was someone who has a spiritual life.
Funnily enough, we saw my old male friend, S and I immediately felt more thrilled. Not saying S (who is a Christian) the one for me either but I don’t think I would have thought ‘Woo hoo!’ on seeing S if W was where my heart was at.
Pursuit of Equality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Despite the fact I believe I am unmarriageable I have not been without male interest, even in my ‘celibate by choice’ life. Most of these men are not Christians but they are good men.
There’s SAL, who lives far away and is not safe emotionally but who seems to be fond of me. MAGS, who is the nearest I have to a soulmate, but who is not emotionally available and who does not want a relationship with me – and I probably don’t want one with him. WM seems to adore me but I am unsure about him for various reasons. Even SRP has been attracted to me at points, I believe, but he is unsafe. And TCG seems to like me too. Only WM has actively pursued me over many months.
Despite all this I feel I have not yet met “the one whom my soul loves.” Do you think I will know it when I do meet him or are we blinded by our own hang-ups, fears and prejudices?
see filename (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Next week I shall celebrate three years of celibacy. It’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It wasn’t a decision as such straightaway. I just found that when men made approaches to me I was becoming less and less interested in engaging until one day I just decided: I’m going to remain celibate until I either get into a very committed relationship or remarry.
The likelihood of me getting married again is slim. Not sure how I feel about that.