The Jubilation-Despair Clash

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Things have been very up or down here.  I’ve just had a very busy week,  busy for me that is.  

JUBILATION   I went to a prayer meeting at the tiny church on my new street. This church is linked to my usual church – they belong to the same family. I’m hoping to get involved in their home group whilst I am recuperating from my long health relapse.

I’ve had beloved visitors to the flat which has made it feel much more homely. I also met a woman and her partner at a social event. She  invited me to her new home which is a palatial edifice overlooking the sea. The views are spectacular.  They moved up from London six months ago. Gentrification is definitely taking place here.

I also went to a craft/technical workshop yesterday which I absolutely loved.

DESPAIR  But there are downsides too. I went to my GP and asked to go back on antidepressants as being housebound much of the time has been really getting to me.  I am feeling a little brighter for that.  I am also going to be tested for Addison’s Disease.  I don’t think I have it but it is a good place to start,  to find out why I have had muscle wasting and weight loss over the last 3 years.  Personally I think it is to do with hormones,  lack thereof,  after my hysterectomy.  Low testosterone can be a real problem.

I am really struggling with my trusted mechanic, who is looking out for an automatic car for me. It’s taking ages and I feel that there is a breakdown in communication. I feel like a ‘problem’ to him, which is how my ex used to make me feel, whereas we have always got on brilliantly. 

My relationship with my  best friend, G, is also proving to be quite difficult. We have had some talks recently about how I feel the friendship is being eroded by his extraordinarily busy, stressful life. Much of his life is negative. I really do fear for his health – and he does too! He got defensive when I brought up this ‘fading of our friendship’.  He basically told me to ‘get over it’ and ‘get on with it’.  I  believe  he has lost perspective and sees me as attacking him rather than trying to sort the problem out.  We have been friends for 31 years.  I don’t think he has any conception at all of what it is like to be very often housebound and vulnerable because of that. Disappointing.

Therefore, I have jubilant times and times of despair.  I have a large desire to tell a few people to sling their hooks.  But I know that that will be self-defeating in the long run. I must master my emotions! 

Facebook Envy Destroys the Soul

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I had a quick scoot around Facebook yesterday, looking at posts by people I don’t normally see in my newsfeed. Came away feeling depressed and envious. That’s just not right even though I know that  Facebook pics often show just the ‘Kodak moments’. It’s a lie!

I hope there is a Facebook backlash in a way. I’ve been trying not to spend as much time there – but it is not always easy. I’m spending more time with Jon Kabat-Zinn, on CD, I hasten to add, and in print. He’s a lifeline at the moment. And a much healthier companion than 400 virtual friends.

My Diaries Spanning 40 Years Don’t Lie

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40 years a slave to journaling! 

I’ve kept a diary since I was 12 years old – that’s nearly 40 years!

I’ve been re-reading them over the last few weeks.

Man, talk about a shock! Many of the events are clear in my head but some of my attitudes and behaviour were awful. What a cow I could be! And how much I took for granted.

I’m learning a lot. Maybe I’ll share some of my revelations here.

I see the diary reading as part of my spiritual journey and attempts at growth.

A Hostage to Technology

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New Male Friend helped to fix me up with a desktop computer a few months ago via this tech guy he knows It worked brilliantly for about 7 months then went berserk. I had it fixed at PC World but it’s collapsed and died again.

Blow this. I’ve ended up ditching it and buying a flippin’ new laptop. I hate being tied to tech but when your work is computer-based PLUS you have a chronic illness you are massively reliant on technology for money making and for socialising, research and creativity.

This is my first blog post on the new machine. Thank you, God, for my mum, who’s going to pay something towards it for me.

One Year Anniversary of This Blog

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It’s my one year anniversary of blogging Just a Closer Walk With Thee. I started out tentatively but now feel much more confident about my journey within the church. My faith is ‘getting there’ and I am more at ease in describing myself as a Christian, though I don’t go on about it, much as my evangelical church would love that!

The Vanity of the Blogger

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Writing

Writing (Photo credit: jjpacres)

I’ve separated my Twitter and Facebook accounts so I can can use Twitter to connect with the coves who follow this blog and similar types while keeping FB more generalised. This Matthew Burt character, who I don’t even know, made a comment on FB about how he was going to blog about the vanity of blogging.

Hope he does ‘cos I sit here tapping away to people who don’t know me and I think: ‘why on earth should they care about what I think or my story? What utter vanity!’

But I can’t help myself. Some people can’t resist drink or drugs. Some are sports freaks and get fired up by football or marathon running. For me communication turns me on, especially in the written form. I write a lot – journaling (believe me, you don’t want to see that heartfelt scrawl!), in the work I do, blogging, Facebooking, texting. It drives me nuts sometimes. I wish I could be calm, be still!

I do wonder if it’s part of being an Only Child. One spent so many years entertaining oneself (quite happily for the most part, it has to be said) either through drawing or writing, creating stories, that it becomes second nature. Or maybe The Only has a greater need to communicate, to go outside of being… one. If you don’t make that first move as an Only the move to connect you end up in a state of Splendid Isolation!

Maybe I must go with the flow that God created for me. I’m a (bad) typist, tapper and writer. Better just accept it.

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Step On

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Step on board, new followers – fullofinspirationals, takingbackearth and Bryan MacDonald.

Now I have a fair few followers and they are coming in thick and fast I might have to stop thanking each and ever one individually but I do really, really appreciate you pressing that ‘Follow’ button. 

Hilarity – Songs for the Doubting Prayerwalker

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I just came across these jokey, pseudo-song titles on one of my my pastor’s blogs. I think they are hilarious but as an Exploring Christian I did wince somewhat – some of these titles kind of ring true for me sometimes!

Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
Be Thou My Hobby
I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
When Peace, Like a Trickle. . .
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

Songs We Sing

Songs We Sing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Emigration on the Cards?

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New Zealand's Milford Sound. Milford Sound, on...

New Zealand’s Milford Sound. Milford Sound. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A couple I  know left the UK and settled in New Zealand‘s South Island about two years ago. The husband blogs about their new life.

This week in the UK we had some sun. Then it went away. This has been the pattern for the last few years, and frankly, it’s depressing.

Then I saw some pictures of where my newly-ensconced NZ friends live. It looks like paradise. I thought to myself: ‘In a few years time I will be totally free. I could emigrate!’

An escapist fantasy during this hard time? Possibly. It depends how things work out here with my new life post-marriage, my church family, where I move to and so on. It is hard making new friends – good, lasting friends – so leaving behind those I have made in recent years as well as my old ones is not to be taken lightly. But it made me think, did that blog.

It’s at http://2hoomansandaspanielinnz.wordpress.com/

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