Sparks on the First Date?

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From the Christian Connection dating blog. Some really good points here.

Do I need to feel a spark on the first date?

Written by Katherine Baldwin

Modern dating happens so fast. We rule people out online before we’ve even met them or we check to see if anyone new has liked our profile on the way home from a date. At this hectic pace, how do we decide whether to see someone again after a first encounter or move on to the next?

Often, we’re looking for that all-important chemistry. But do we really need to feel a spark on the first date?

The simple answer would be ‘Yes,’ but I’ve never been a fan of simple answers and life isn’t straightforward or black and white.

A while back, I asked my fiancé if he’d felt a spark between us when we first met. To clarify, we weren’t on a date. We met in the kitchen of a cottage in Cornwall on a cycling weekend with mutual friends. He walked in wearing lycra and a helmet while I was putting lasagne in the oven.

He gave me an honest answer: ‘No, not really,’ which of course I didn’t like to hear. I then asked myself the same question and came up with a similar (if more wordy) response.

I know I felt something. He had a kind face and a calm, peaceful presence, which I was drawn to. But I also came up with a long list of reasons why he wasn’t for me – reasons which would have scuppered our chances of a relationship if we’d met on a date rather than as friends.

Fortunately, I had an entire weekend to get to know him and to grow to like him. No pressure. No rush.

So based on our experience, and on the stories of many couples I’ve met who didn’t fall in love at first sight but who are together nonetheless, I’d suggest we don’t need to feel a spark on a first encounter and that curiosity could be enough of a basis for a second or third date.

Do you feel curious? Do you want to know more? Also, ask yourself these questions: how do I feel in his or her presence? Do I feel content and relaxed? Can I be myself with this person?

If you are someone who craves that spark, it’s a good idea to be aware that fireworks can sometimes be a red flag rather than a green light.

We’ve all seen Hollywood movies featuring passionate clinches and lightning bolts. Some of us have come away with the conclusion that real connection has to look like that. But these instant attractions can be unhealthy.

When sparks fly between two people, it may be the case that they both have deep, unmet needs for love, affection or touch or that they have unhealed wounds and they’re craving comfort and support. They’re drawn to each other like magnets and they stick together like glue – for a while. And then the relationship unravels because they can’t meet each other’s deep needs or heal each other’s hurt.

I know this from experience. I’ve had a number of fiery relationships that, for a brief period, have transported me to another place. Sparks have flown. ‘This is like Hollywood – he has to be The One,’ I’ve thought. But these relationships that began with fireworks always went up in smoke. The attraction was unhealthy. I was either drawn to commitment-phobes, enticed by the thought I could make them commit, or I fell hard for people who had their own unmet needs and unhealed wounds, as I did.

After a number of crash and burn experiences, I understood that I had to learn to meet my own needs and heal my wounds as best as I could first. I had to learn to practise self-love and self-care. I had to re-parent myself and learn to soothe myself. I had to find healthy ways to experience hugs and human touch. And I had to resolve some of my childhood issues so that I didn’t crave male affection and affirmation quite so much – so that I could regain the power of choice when in the presence of an attractive man.

As I got healthier, I became wary of the chemical pull or the flashes of lightning. I set boundaries for dating so that I could keep myself emotionally safe while I found out more about the person I was with. I asked friends for support so that I wouldn’t repeat the same patterns over and over again.

We all have our own journeys. We all make our own mistakes. But can I suggest that you be wary of instant fireworks? Can I suggest that you tend to your own unmet needs and heal any lingering hurt as best you can, so that you’re not craving love and comfort? (Dating with a craving is like shopping for food when starving – we lose our discernment.)

And can I suggest that you go on a second or third date with people whom you’re curious about, even if there aren’t any immediate sparks?

You never know what will come of it.

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Psalm 2 | Perspective

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Think: remembering the main points

· Psalm 2 – Perspective

· Human rebellion + God’s response + Our choice


Talk: questions that stimulate application

1. Is there a song that has been precious to you over the years? Please describe why.

2. Why do people rage against God’s reign?

3. What is God’s reaction to people’s rage?

4. How does this psalm shape your thin kinging?

5. How does this psalm affect your heart?

6. Are there ways we can be rebellious against God’s rule – even as Christians?

7. What are the promises that are available to those who submit to His kingship?

Task: actions speak louder than words

How can this Psalm motivate us to show & tell people about God’s love? Think of some practical ways you can encourage people to discover the blessings of submitting to Christ as King.

Printable PDF –

Perspective.pdf

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When You Have Too Much Time!

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I can’t believe that my life used to be too busy, even with my chronic illness.  When I lived in the university town, where I was for 17 years at least, and married with an extensive if somewhat troubled extended family, plus lots of neighbours, I was often existing on adrenalin. Life was full.

Now, I have lots more time.  I spend a good proportion of my day working on my health, usually through meditation and trying to eat well.  I have got to know people in the coastal town where I now live but not really well and it’s not the same sort of area.  It’s not middle class and I live on a main road.

Of course, I didn’t think that this would be a problem when I viewed the flat because I was still relatively active.  However my health crashed after I moved here and I am building myself back up and it is taking months and years.  My muscles are what are mostly affected now.  This means that I have to spend a lot of time at home.

Many of my good friends are just extraordinarily busy.  In fact, in my opinion, they are too busy.  I know that some of them are using busyness as a distraction from issues and emotions that are too painful to face.  However I still envy them.

My other friends are similarly ill.  We have the urge to meet but not always the means.

Even my mum is having a better social life than I am in her new sheltered accommodation!

Because of my health relapse I have not been networking as much and this means that some of my clients have faded away somewhat.  I am currently waiting for some editing work to complete.  I have been waiting for days and just trying to fill in the time until it arrives.  This is very frustrating!

Anyway, I have just booked an EFT session with a local practitioner.  I won’t be seeing her for a month or thereabouts but I feel that tapping, literally, into the things, the emotions, that are trapped in my body may bring some relief.

 

 

LDN – Not for ME or me.

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Thought I would write about the drug  I have been taking . I will try and keep it short. It is called ldn. Low dose naltrexone. You take it in very low doses and it blocks your opioid receptors for a few hours. I am on a tiny dose. This encourages your body to create its own endorphins.
It is definitely having an effect on me some good and some bad. However the side effects are too severe.
At first I felt almost normal when I was out. I felt stronger. I had less muscle pain after activity. I felt less depressed. It is a tough drug in the first few weeks. I’ve had bad insomnia. Last week I had a high libido which was very inconvenient.

I do know that there are some people with my illness who have benefited. But I don’t think I’m going to be one of them. It feels like it raises cortisol levels too highly.

Also people who take the drug are like evangelists about it – for its almost as if you can’t say anything bad about it as you are seeing as letting the side down.

I would like to see more research before it is hailed as a panacea.