Last night of I wrote a letter to my illness. It was full of expletives.
Among my sentiments were the words: “You are not here to teach me a lesson or humility. You are not my friend. You are a ridiculous ragbag of pathetic symptoms. Go **** yourself, you miserable, mitochondria-disrupting loser. You think you have won. But the person I was before you stuck your poxy neb [nose] in is still within me.”
I continued: “Yes, that child who could run like the wind, the one who could dance all night, the girl who could run from the nightclub in the dark to her home in minutes, the one who called walk miles and miles, up mountains, across moors, around London. How dare you disrupt all of that! You robbed me of my life with of my husband, of children, of experiences, of opportunity, of peace.”
Sometimes I just don’t know what God is playing at!
(There was more but this gives you a flavour. I found the writing therapeutic.)
I then listened to the hate-filled but cathartic ‘Sorry’ by nu-Guns n Roses on my headphones and scribbled down some pertinent lyrics. The whole song suited my mood and situation but here are the first lines:
“You like to hurt me
You know that you do
You like to think
In some way
That it’s me
And not you”
I am still pacing well as I continue to plough through the longest muscle relapse I’ve never had in my chronic illness. It is quite hard but it is a relief to get off the hamster wheel that I seem to have been on for the last few years. Surprisingly, I have had quite a lot of visitors one way or the other. This has been a huge help.
I went for a massage at a luxurious hotel yesterday and that was amazing. When we are bereaved or divorced it is quite important, I think, to receive caring and supportive touch. I think it is something I’m going to do again.
I am also using a meditation and mindfulness CDs of Jon Kabat-Zinn, developed for the University of Massachusetts. They are wonderful. Each session lasts around 40 minutes and his voice is incredibly soothing and unpretentious.
One of my church friends is celebrating his first anniversary of remarriage today. This couple seem to live the perfect life!
I am happy for him but his announcement on Facebook and loving words to his wife reminded me that today is the second anniversary of my divorce! Cruel irony.
Yesterday, though, ex and I went to the beach. He had come from neighbouring country for work and our shared care duties. It was lovely. We got on well and it harked back to other times. I was sad that I can’t walk much (still undergoing the muscle relapse from hell) and sad that his new wife is very sporty and active.
I say to God, “Why have you abandoned me?” It’s just not fair!
Ex has changed a lot. I am sure he smiles and laughs sometimes but I never see that abundant laughter and joy on his face now. Maybe he saves it for others or other times. I don’t know. Maybe too much has happened to him for that.
Peter faced mortality every day for a decade as a healthcare executive in the hospice care industry. He spent years examining the big data of death and optimizing the business of caring for the dyi…
Source: About the Author
Have put my other blog on hold and think I may stick with this one for a while. I like the relative anonymity.
It’s mostly about my spiritual path but I will bring other things into it as time goes by.
As the relapse in my health – long-term condition – from hell continues I have dropped all regular commitments, including Celebrate Recovery at church in nearby city.
Not even sure I am going to go back to it. Not making any plans at all like that. Researching how to recover from this relapse a lot and thinking I may just stick to following my church’s sermons online while I recover.
CR is great but there are a lot of platitudes uttered from the manual. It is also a very tiring evening, especially if there are only two of you in the small sharing group. I will carry on doing my moral and spiritual inventory though. That’s useful.
Think Male Platonic Friend has found a new female interest to pursue. He is the ultimate pursuer.
Not sure how I feel about this. I don’t trust him emotionally but I do love his company. How very inconvenient of him to favour another!
Selfish of me to think this, I know.
I confess: I have a soft spot for ITV3, the ‘resting’ place of the elderly viewer. I love Endeavour, Foyle’s War, Inspector Morse and Lewis. Big fan of PD James’ and Ruth Rendell’s work in print and on screen. Not a fan of Midsomer Murders.
Living (temporarily) with an octogenarian makes me think a lot about the elderly. Not all old people fit into a stereotype, of course. Many are offbeat, fiery, questioning, and open-minded. But the Brexit vote has also made me think about other older people, especially the Daily Express reading contingent. I am brought into contact daily with this filthy rag
Why is it that older people love detective dramas of the type I have listed? My thoughts:
- They are very British. English countryside, British actors. English towns and villages. English cars, mostly. Suits. Hats even!
- Easily identified characters. Idiosyncratic but not too weird, e.g., Morse.
- Old people seem to love characters who come in pairs (Lewis and Hathaway). The ‘buddy’ element.
- Often set in the past – or a present that doesn’t really exist (Midsomer Murders) caters to nostalgia factor plus sense that ‘things were better back then’.
- Crime dramas – very black and white in that there are good people and bad ones.
- Resolution. The bad guys are always caught, I think. Order is restored. All’s right with the world.
When age, infirmity and looming death/meeting one’s maker are on the cards, ironically, these murderous dramas offer a sense of safety and familiarity plus a chance to be indignant at the ‘goings-on’ (moral judgements) and behaviour of the ‘bad’ characters. It’s my belief that old people (some, not all, I must stress) do not like ambiguity and these reruns on ITV3 serve as a comforter.
From an article by Dr Christine Northrup
Spiritual and Holistic Options
A far better option for healing adrenal fatigue over the long run is to restore adrenal health and function so your adrenals can eventually produce the hormones you need on their own. That will require making changes in the lifestyle that caused the adrenal insufficiency. Here are some suggestions:
- Focus more on loving thoughts. Thoughts that bring you pleasure (like thinking about people you love, favorite pets, a delicious meal, or even a sweet memory) short-circuit the harm done by the body’s physiological reaction to stress. This learning to “think with your heart” may be challenging at first, but it’s definitely worth it. If you faithfully learn this and regularly pay attention to areas of your life that bring you joy and fulfillment, you will evoke biochemical changes in your body over time that will recharge your adrenal batteries. (For assistance, I recommend the training programs and books from The Institute of HeartMath.)
- In addition, do more things that bring you pleasure and make you laugh and fewer activities that feel like obligations. Spend more time with people who make you feel good and less time with people who are draining.
- Dwell more on what you like about yourself and less on what you see as your limitations. In short, have more fun! Make pleasure a priority instead of a luxury.
- Allow yourself to accept nurturing and affection. If you didn’t learn how to do this as a child, you may need to practice it. Every morning before you get up, spend a minute or two reveling in a memory of a time you felt loved. Do the same at night. Imagine your heart being filled with this love. Use affirmations that help you feel deserving of this nurturing and love.
- Follow a healthy, whole foods diet with minimal sugar and adequate protein. (Every meal or snack should contain some protein.) Avoid caffeine because it whips your adrenals into a frenzy. Also avoid fasting or cleansing regimens because they can weaken you further.
- Take a comprehensive multivitamin/mineral supplement.
- Try herbal support, including:
– Licorice root: This herb contains plant hormones that mimic the effects of cortisol. Start with a small amount and gradually work up to one-quarter teaspoon solid licorice root extract three times per day. Baschetti2 Make sure to monitor blood pressure, as licorice may increase blood pressure in susceptible individuals.
– Siberian ginseng: One of the components of Siberian ginseng is related to a precursor for DHEA and cortisol. Try one 100 mg capsule two times a day. It can have a stimulating effect, though, so if it interferes with your sleep, take it before three p.m.
- Get plenty of sleep: Sleep is the most effective approach to high adrenaline levels. Many women require eight to ten hours of sleep to function optimally. Try to go to bed by ten P.M. Getting to sleep on the earlier side of midnight is much more restorative to your adrenals than sleep that begins later in the night, even if you sleep late the next morning to get in your full amount of sleep.
- Exercise regularly. Regular light-to-moderate exercise is helpful, but not so much that you feel depleted afterward. Pushing yourself beyond your limits weakens your adrenals even further, so start slowly—even if it’s only walking down your street and back. Then build up slowly.
- Get more exposure to natural sunlight. This is not only good for your adrenal glands, but it boosts vitamin D, as well. Sunbathe only in the early morning or later afternoon, however, never in midday; and never get enough exposure to burn or even redden your skin. Work up to ten to fifteen minutes of exposure three to four times per week.
- Prioritize. Make a list of your most important activities and commitments, and then let everything else go. Don’t agree to a new task or commitment unless it’s something that will recharge your batteries.
My ex, who’s very, very left wing, was here earlier – explaining why he voted to leave the EU. Really made me think and threw open new doors in my mind. He might be my ex but he always did make me think a lot! He was talking for over an hour on this. It was absolutely fascinating.
He pointed me in the direction of the Left Leave movement. See link above. Such a shame that we couldn’t make it as a couple cos he is still, on occasion, one of the most stimulating people I’ve ever met. I think that’s partly why I find it hard to move on. Although, to be fair, I seek peaceful man rather than stimulating man now.