Typical behavioral symptoms of incomplete grief in adults and children.
Didn’t go too well with Male Platonic Friend yesterday. Was at his house and felt like me and my dog were an inconvenience. He kept shooing the dog away (though he was kind to her later) and he seemed distant and cold. Not all the time but a lot.
He is under a lot of stress at the moment with work and other things, though he acts as if he’s fairly unaffected by it. I don’t believe this is the case.
All the time I have known him I’ve had doubts about how authentic he is. He’s been all over me like a rash (emotionally, not physically) but not any more!
He has said he’s a scared of intimacy. Even friendships, if they are going to last, need intimacy or else they are just ‘arrangements’. Like ‘coffee friends or someone you go to the cinema with.
I have been a little snappy with him too, which I am not proud of. I think it’s because I know he’s got major issues and he’s not dealing with them. And they are affecting his life in a big way.
I have to accept that. It’s NOT my place to make him face up to things.
As someone who is walking a Christian path, albeit quite shakily at times, I am used to being with people who are working on themselves, who acknowledge that we are all ‘broken’. At my church there is a divorce group, Freedom in Christ course, a Grace course, bereavement group etc. At a neighbouring church there is Celebrate Recovery.
MPF pretends to be unbroken. It’s hard to get close to someone like that.
There’s such a thing as compassion and also we must confess that we too are not without fault or ‘sin’ but here are some things that I’m not giving energy to:
- Couple of church friends came to my house and more or less insulted me – in my own home! Well, one did. I am sure they have absolutely no idea I feel l this way. Talk about feeling judged! The grown up thing to do would be to mention how judged I felt but I have not, partly because they are under a lot of strain themselves. I think people act all ‘hissy’ when they feel like they have no power in their own lives. I’ll just back off from these people for a while – and also take into account that actually these people can be very judgemental. (And kind too. It’s not all bad.)
- Male Platonic Friend consistently disrespects my boundaries. I am furious with him too! No matter what I say he tries to push the boundaries in the amount of time and energy I have to devote to him. He knows I’m chronically ill. Whatever I give, it’s not enough, as far as I can tell. I talked about this to a great friend yesterday and that helped. She totally gets it. I don’t see him IRL that much but when I next do I think I will say something. I think he says all the right things but his actions don’t always match his words. He wants things that I can’t give. And he needs to get some therapy for the things he’s not dealing with in HIS life.