10,000 Reasons For Me Not to Get To Sleep

matt redman

matt redman (Photo credit: cmcentral)


I had a hideous night of insomnia last night and all I could hear in my sleepless brain was the worship song10,000 Reasons’ by flippin’ Matt Redman! Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this song and had sung it heartily at church that very morning (I don’t usually make it to morning service but this was an exception.)  But having it banging around my brain for a zillion hours was no fun!




The ‘Missionary’ Position

Paradise Missionary Baptist Church, in Tampa, ...

Paradise Missionary Baptist Church, in Tampa, Florida (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


There are some missionaries in My Church. Three of them I know well. They are wonderful people. One, who is on missionary work in South America, I adore. She is the sweetest person. The other two I have a great deal of time and affection for. They are just great. They are missionaries in the UK.


I was talking to my new paying guest and he was negative on the missionary thing. I can see why a person would be; missionaries have not always been the best of people, imposing their will – or, as they see it, the will of God – onto uneducated natives but, as with everything I have come across on my journey, it’s not as stark, as black or white as that.


I will do some research on modern-day missionary work and see what I can come up with. And I will report back.



Sitting With the Silence

English: A bored person

A bored person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This month’s Boots magazine is all about ‘me-time’, a phrase that I find cloying. The chronically ill person tends to have more me-time than the average person – or at least, that’s how it would seem to be.  Perhaps I should reframe how I see that and celebrate the fact that I have opportunities to listen to beautiful music or take the longer way home when driving, or to contemplate life, spirituality etc. Frankly, I would rather have full, normal health, be juggling roles and have too much to do. 

However, what I am trying to do these days is ‘sit’ with the times when I feel bored or lonely or sad and wait for them to pass rather than blanking them out with hyperactivity, which is what I did as a young person and one of the reasons I became ill in the first place, I reckon.

Choosing to do something positive like email a friend or light the wood-burner is better for me in the long run than forcing myself to go out to an event, like I nearly did tonight, when I am already tired, had a poor night’s sleep and have stuff to do tomorrow.

Just sitting it out!


Circle of Friends

Texting on a qwerty keypad phone

Texting on a qwerty keypad phone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

>Another of my very good friends, P, called me today having read my Tears on My Pillow posting. Great to hear from him. And one of the Life Group guys text me a heartfelt message too and people at church were very kind (those that know about my tears!)Had a chat with R who also has a long-term illness, though a different one from mine. Like my friend, A, she totally gets it. It’s the sheer longevity of invisible chronic illness that gets to you. It affects every sphere of your life: finances, work capacity, social life, exercise, joy, relationships, marriage… Tough call.

Like, for example, ex and I did not have kids. We could have done but neither of us was, at that time, over-bothered. Having the ICI made it less of an option. People DO choose to have kids while suffering from this illness but they are the ones who really, really wanted them. We were ambivalent. But maybe if I had not been ill I would have been more enthusiastic. I will never know.

The challenge of ICI is not just the pain but the sorrow for the life not lived.

Friends Are Everything On This Earth


My friend ‘A’ reads this blog – follows by email – but could not post a comment about my Tears on My Pillow post. She emailed me instead. I’ve edited her words slightly for anonymity but she writes:

“Hang on in there, hon. I understand totally, as you know. A wise woman once told me that if I spent the rest of my life watching tv (following anxious conversation with family member about my illness) then I would still be me and still be of value to society. Well, that wise woman was you and those words helped me a great deal.”

I had forgotten I said those words to her yet they are true. I think she is a hugely worthwhile person with tons to offer her friends, family and society. We are often much harder on ourselves than we are on others, I think. 

Tears on My Pillow

English: Lodalen, a valley in Stryn municipali...

 Lodalen, Norway. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Had a bit of a melt down at Life Group last night. I should not have gone as I was too ill but I thought I might perk up once I got there. I didn’t.

Fortunately it was an easy session, mainly listening to two young people talk about their various Godly missions and then prayer. At the end I asked them to pray for my long-term illness. I just burst into tears.

I can not see what use I am to anyone, to society or myself, by being ill. I’ve tried tons of treatments. Some have helped a little but none have helped a lot. There are two new drugs that seem to be helping for sufferers in the US (low dose naltrexone) and in Norway (Rituximab) but experience with them for my condition is not extensive as yet.

Praying for a miracle.

Keeping a Spiritual Diary


I read that keeping a spiritual diary for a month can help with one’s spiritual development. I am giving it a go. Apart from praying, going to Life Group, (which this week was on the Trinity), going to church and the other regulars I am also reading the book Journey into God’s Heart by Jennifer Rees Larcombe. An autobiography, it reads like a novel: very engaging style, full of anecdotes from a full and often highly trying life, and with many insights. I thoroughly recommend it.  The wife of one of the pastors lent it to me. 

Cross & Clouds

Cross & Clouds (Photo credit: John H Wright Photo)

The Way Women Talk


Women can be very man/relationship orientated. This is not wrong but it can lead women to believe that there is more to their connections with men than there is in reality. I am sure I have been guilty of this in the past also but what I mean is that women can act and talk as though they are in a relationship with a man when nothing much really happened.


Maybe there were some meetings for coffee or even lunch or a day out with the church where you spent a lot of time with The Man but no-one came out and said it was a


Cover of "Long Summer Day"

Cover of Long Summer Day


date. Maybe the woman focused on the man as a possible partner but he never truly entertained the thought, except perhaps as a passing fancy.


I have just read Long Summer Day by the English author, (now deceased), R F Delderfield. Paul Craddock, the hero, has two love interests: Grace Lovell, who he is besotted with and who becomes his first wife, and Claire Derwent, whom he eventually marries and settles with. Yet he does not spend inordinate amounts of time actually thinking about either of them. He acknowledges his feelings for Grace then gets on with his work. When he realises that Claire is the wife for him, after Grace leaves him, he gets on with that too.


This is what men are like. They think about women sometimes, but unless they are of stalker material, they tend to get on with the rest of their lives. Women should learn from this I feel. I am certainly trying to.