Silent Sorrow in Empty Boats

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Walter Langley - Silent Sorrow

Walter Langley – Silent Sorrow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thinking about why I blog. Came to the conclusion that one of the main reasons is ‘cos I suffer from a long-term physical illness. I mean, really long-term. You would notbe able to tellby looking at me or even spending some time with me. ICI – invisible chronic illness – is very isolating.

Blogging takes my mind of things – distraction, I guess – but it is a way of reaching out also. Doing so semi-anonymously helps.

I once read that the chronic illness sufferer lives a life of constant sorrow, is perpetually grieving for the life not lived. How true. How acute this grief is does ebb and flow.

At the moment I am prey to what my friend A calls ‘energy envy.’ EE is the pits. Hob-nobbing with my church friends has given rise to EE lately. They have so much energy and some of them do in a week what would take me eons to achieve. The person I currently live with, paying guest, is also a powerhouse of energy (he is only 27 though). It staggers me how much he can do in a day.

I ask God what I have done to deserve this chronic and acute suffering for so many years. I’m pretty hacked off with God! There is much theological debate on suffering and so on but when you are the one who has endured it for… well, I won’t say how long… it’s difficult. It just feels like words. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are many worse off than me but I think I’m due a break. I pray for breakthrough. I’ve done the acceptance part but today, this week, I’m over that!

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